Archibald and the Killer Daffodills
"A trivial comedy for serious people"
A comedy built around questions of identity, literary style, exploding toasted cheese sandwiches, computer fiction, cross-dressing, translation algorithms, projectile vomiting, Swiss wallpaper and The Importance of Being Earnest, amongst many other things.
The work is copyright of Matthew Edwards. Any similarity to people alive or dead is unintended and co-incidental.
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Chapter I |
"An orgasm is like a sneeze" |
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Chapter II |
Involving a significant and moving Bloody Mary |
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Chapter III |
... a thirty-stone female East German shot-putter? |
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Chapter IV |
Archibald and the Giant One-Legged Centipede |
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Chapter V |
Evil botanist plans to wipe out Western civilisation by means of killer daffodils. |
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Chapter VI |
"Put that hamster down, or it'll be the last hamster you ever stroke!" |
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Chapter VII |
Conversation about a Victoria Sponge I had once encountered in Hong Kong. |
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Chapter VIII |
... it had been some time since he had last brought forty-five Chinese girls to orgasm ... |
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Chapter IX |
"Very flat, Norfolk." |
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Chapter X |
Luckily they hadn't spotted the fake exploding testicles which Q had insisted that he have fitted. |
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Chapter XI |
He was still sweating out last night's ginger pop. It had been a good night. Damn good. |
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Chapter XII |
Including one hundred and sixty-three delicately perfumed armpits. |
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Chapter XIII |
"I don't slay laconically, but I slay with wonderful expression." |
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Chapter XIV |
On Adolf a.k.a. Pumpkin and his extra-large spectacles. |
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Chapter XV |
Smoke grenades, CS gas and thunderflashes |
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Chapter XVI |
Stalin, blinis and vodka. |
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Chapter XVII |
"Thank you, Sherbert," gasped Rumbum, "you've saved my ligula." |
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Chapter XVIII |
No wonder the fiendish Dr Chow Yun Li Wong took such pleasure in gyrating his leather whip ... |
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Chapter XIX |
On Comrade Archibald and a rude youth |
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Chapter XX |
De gustibus non ****ing est disputandum |
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Chapter XXI |
Herbert Pimple shock at Kings Cross |
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Chapter XXII |
Hooper's new inter-focal marketing paradigm |
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Chapter XXIII |
Involving a 200-handkerchief monogram |
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Chapter XXIV |
... transvestism was not ideally suited to my stately dignity or muscular frame ... |
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Chapter XXV |
Would his curvaceous falsies be up to the pressure? |
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Chapter XXVI |
"Absence is a hard thing to detect." |
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Chapter XXVII |
. . . delighted with the new poem etched onto his innocent flesh. |
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Chapter XXVIII |
Six Gluhweins later ... |
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Chapter XXIX |
On the world-wide destruction wrought by our Holy War. |
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Ch. XXX |
The Chinese workers come and go, |
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Ch. XXXI |
Bunbury revealed |
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Ch. XXXII |
Bunbury was, as Oscar had put it, quite exploded. |
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Ch. XXXIII |
Russell tries a 1972 premier cru peanut butter. |
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Ch. XXXIV |
"You can as well throw in the towel, if you'll pardon my Porcelain." |
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Ch. XXXV |
Here goes for a cool, collected dive at death and destruction, and devil take the hindmost. |
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Ch. XXXVI |
He felt his stains, but they all were empty. |
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Ch. XXXVII |
We little, we gladly little, we scratch siblings . . . |
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Ch. XXXVIII |
Building up to a crescendo of doom |
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Epilogue I |
Archibald died at the age of fifty from cirrhosis of the liver and pneumonia. |
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Epilogue II |
"Fact is fiction, sir, and vice versa, and nothing is what it seems." |
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Epilogue III |
... "clarity through obfuscation" ... |
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Epilogue IV |
We shall be using false names. |
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Epilogue V |
"A book in shape but, really, pure crude fact" |